Thoughts

I had a screening called "Behind the Veil" and this made me pause and realize so much of what I do and think is quite hidden. I don't like posting text on platforms and find it bad enough putting my images there so I decided to post a collection of random thoughts and observations, sometimes about art, sometimes not. Mostly non-sensical. Who will find them? If you're reading this, then you!

Yesterday I met a giant white cat. I mean, really giant. And petting her white fur in the daylight saturated all of my senses. It was so rich, so white and softly blinding. I fell in love and was grateful for this encounter. She spoke to me, looking at me intently with her mysterious yellow eyes. I feel like magic is all around us. We just need to be open to receive it.

I looked out the window and saw a large sheepskin rug hanging out of my neighbors window and I imagined it was the tale of a giant sleeping beast who wanted to feel a bit of wind while remaining indoors.

She held my large hand with her small one and insisted I keep my eyes closed, leading me into another room to reveal a surprise.

The forms around me define the movements of my body, holding me in safely as much as they cut me to pieces.

I have decided not to teach this semester, which was a difficult decision. I love working with young students. It brings me such joy and I am always so inspired and moved by them. I hope to teach again when the timing is right but now I need to focus.

When I got your message after so long a silence, at first I thought, oh. It was like a small bubble making its way up to the surface of a deep, murky, pond. Then after that fragile first "pop", the bubble met the air, dissolving as if it never was, and I sort of forgot about it. Seems you did too.

Flailing about, trying to grab hold, during this timeless time. 

I don't really feel like writing my thoughts anymore so I stopped for awhile. I still don't feel like it, but I think it's still a good exercise for me so I'll continue.

I moved often in my life and I think because of this I have these dead stops on projects, things shift radically, like I've moved to a new country. I eventually come back, maybe this starting and stopping is just part of my process. I'm trying to view it in a positive light, to see how I can just embrace it because it happens regardless.

I've been reading a lot. This is perhaps an example of the phases I go through. I was barely reading anything for about a year, maybe two, because I get lost in books and then don't pay attention to what's happening around me. Another example of a break. But now that I'm reading again I am really loving it. I'm someone who reads randomly, if something catches my attention or I am interested in a certain subject. Now it is racism, white fragility, feminism, and fiction (classics and contemporary).

I think I am the only one reading this, which makes me laugh. I am writing it in this way. Maybe I like the idea of a un-social media, my own digital cave. Beware those who enter!

I miss how shitty and ramshackle the web used to be, how fun it was to stumble upon random artist pages, bizarre occult sites or really bad blogs and not have all of these "this site uses cookies. you must click okay" buttons everywhere. This immediately makes me uninterested in whatever I was looking for on the site to begin with. It's such a massive drag, everywhere these pops up and each time you click you feel like your saying, "yes, please look into my private life, I don't care, here are my bank details and the chart with my hormonal cycles, and also the keys to my flat, whatever you like." Every time I feel like this and every time I hate it. I'm hating the web more and more.

I have had a few online screenings and have mixed feelings. Who really watches these? And how intently? There are mixed technical issues too. One festival messed up my sound which is, to me, half of the film! Then I worried that if anyone saw it with this bad sound they wouldn't like the film. But I have no idea who saw it, if anyone did. I suppose online festivals are all we have right now, though, and I am thankful for those taking the time to put these together. I have curated screenings in the past. It is a lot of work even if is doesn't seem like it.

I worry that when I read books, I start writing in the voice of the author. I wonder if this happens because of relocating so often or maybe I just like pretending. When you move a lot it is safer to absorb the behaviors of the new system, blend in or face problems. I remember my first day of a new school in 7th grade. I had been at a "preppy school" so I showed up wearing a ribbon in my bobbed haircut and an izod t-shirt. My new school was a "rocker" school, everyone had on death metal t-shirts and long hair. Someone told me I was going to get beat up, though I didn't, but it freaked me out because I had never been "beat up" before. In a way it was exciting because I stood out, but I quickly adapted and probably had on an Iron Maiden t-shirt by Friday.

I wish someone would invent something to translate what I see in my mind onto paper or the computer. Especially when ill or dreaming, I have the most fantastical visions. It's like a never-ending outpouring from a complex, colourful, vast, highly sophisticated visual ocean. It's much richer than anything I could physically create myself or even really imagine. Not to sound mystical, but I don't know where these visions come from. They aren't things I have seen anywhere. Maybe a melding of artwork I have seen? But it doesn't even feel like that. Regardless, I am very thankful to not be bored with my eyes closed.